I’m bats in the belfry my dear,
No matter what time of year.
It’s always the same,
Quite simply insane
I’m bats in the belfry my dear.

Being manic is the end of the road,

It’s the feeling you’re drowning beneath the load.

Being manic is not to sleep at night,

Watching the sky go from darkness to light.

Being manic is a lot of powerful medication,

You’re very sick, but no operation.

Being manic is when people overlook you all the time

Always over the hill, and never in your prime.

Being manic is to be in the deepest place,

Feeling that for you there is no grace.

Being manic is the highest point of fame,

Feeling that whatever happens, you are not to blame.

Being manic is to be completely capable,

Spreading your wings and utterly unattainable.

Being manic is the gold at the end of the rainbow,

If you come with me I will surely show you.

Being manic is heaven and hell,

Living your life in a prison cell.

Sometimes I hate it, sometimes it is bliss,

The highs and the lows I would hopelessly miss.

I tell you this, I do not tell a lie,

Last night I woke up, I did not really die,

The letters they are written by you,

I know this because it is not really true.

I have a home though I do not live there right now.

It is not the place I would want to show you.

You should not take this into your heart,

I live on this earth with many others, but often very far apart.

The children they are growing up and far away from me,

The one I love is living here with me, between me and the sea.

The future seems very dark and gloomy cold,

The misery has made me brave and surely bold.

I want you to know the substance of all my dreams,

It’s all I have left, the truth, so it seems.

I wish I could find it, no matter how hard I look,

Somehow or other it is not written in the book.

The language of life is spoken feely every moment.

It’s cheap to get and certainly written in a sonnet.

The truth is deeper, larger still and rare,

Love and truth are ravaged on the breast so bare.

I wish I could fly away to some dark lonely shore,

And walk along the sands and open boldly every door.

That way the path of peace is to be found,

Following the footsteps of those gone long time, beneath the ground.

Come walk with me along the narrow way.

There are many who have gone there and have found a place to stay.

The price is paid already you will never have to pay.

To walk the other roads, the one, we will betray.

The future now seems dark and frighteningly dim.

I cannot see it clearly, but I can see him.

To walk towards the light is my one true destiny.

The way to love, truth, and to be maddeningly free.

Ah, the mad, how fortunate they truly are.

To hide behind the veil and exorcise their power.

I speak as one who has truly learned the right path,

And one who is fit and ready for the last death.

Oh, death, how truly beautiful you are,

You take me to my love, my truth, my tower.

Yet life I cling to you and seek a soft reprise,

And singing gladly, I will live until I rise.

I rise, I rise, to realms of endless, gorgeous day,

And there forever with my beloved I will stay.

Never to suffer loss, or pain, or truth, or love

Yet, I will love Thee in the eternal world above.

I nearly died last night, it was a dream I think,

But I woke up and found myself teetering on the brink.

Of loneliness and doom and despair, forever wondering where,

I rise, I rise to meet you someday, somewhere there.

Exploring residential treatment options can be very overwhelming for parents. At Bodin, we believe it is essential to educate families about appropriate treatment options, both local and residential, that exist for their children. With this information families have the knowledge to seek support from educational consultants as well as other professionals in their community.

Over the next several days I will write about options on the residential continuum, come back and check it or call and Educational Consultant at Bodin today.  800-874-2124 www.thebodingroup.com

Currently, there is a Bill in Congress to and one that recently passed the Senate to help mentally ill people  who have insurance.  Both the House bill (HR 1424) and the Senate measure (S 558) would require health insurers that offer mental health benefits as part of an insurance plan to make them equal to traditional medical and surgical benefits.  The House bill goes further in what it would require insurers to cover.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Video from a surveillance camera at a Brooklyn, New York, hospital shows a woman dying on the floor of a psychiatric emergency room while people nearby ignore her.

Surveillance video shows a woman lying on the hospital floor for almost an hour before anyone helped her. The video was released Monday by lawyers suing Kings County Hospital.  The lawsuit alleges neglect and abuse of mental health patients at the facility.  The video shows the 49-year-old woman keeling over and falling out out of her chair on June 19.

She lies facedown on the floor, then thrashes before going still.  About an hour passed before someone realized what was happening and tried to help.

The agency that runs the municipal hospital -- the city's Health and Hospitals Corp. -- fired several staffers as a result.

So.  WTF is wrong with this picture?  And when do the people rise up and say enough is ENOUGH!!!???

Any one of us could be this woman at any moment.  Any one of us could be mentally ill, and not even know it, or not have the means to get help when in crisis.  I myself have spoken many times on the show about being Bi-Polar and what that means to me and to the people in my life.  But many more go undiagnosed, and even still more have no means of even being diagnosed (i.e, no health coverage, to proud to ask for help, etc.).  Well, I don't know what the story was with this woman, but no matter what, reading this made me fear for the day I'm having a "manic attack" and go to the Emergency Room...  For more information on mental illness, go to NAMI's (National Alliance on Mental Illness) website by clicking here.

I don't think I mentioned it but I am seeing a therapist.  I have had 2 appointments so far.  The first one was the typical "get to know you" appointment.  What do you expect from therapy and background information.  The most recent one was a little more intense and has put me into a funk.

Let me tell you a little story:

there once was a kid, abused by his parents, who never really learned to trust. he didn't trust people. he didn't trust anyone. He was constantly looking for the next better thing, hoping to find something better. to quiet the voice in his head that was always saying its not good enough. Until one day a nice lady he was talking to about his problems said "the reason you don't trust anyone and are looking for something better is....."
YOU DONT TRUST YOURSELF.

Now why wouldn't I trust myself?  According to her its because I never learned trust from my parents, well I learned some warped version. and the constant striving where nothing is ever good enough?  Oh that's easy she said, since I had already told how nothing was ever good enough for my father.  I would bring home a B, "why didn't you get an A?"  Bring home an A, "why wasn't it an A+?"  Bring home and A+ and it was "Hmm I see you didn't get all bonus questions right."  Bring home a 4.0 on a report card and "You're in TAG (talented and Gifted) your peers are bringing home 4.2s and 4.3s why aren't you?"  NOTHING WAS EVER GOOD ENOUGH.  nothing i did was ever good enough from the way I behaved to the way i did in school to the girls i brought home to the jobs i had.

Look at me now:  I am bipolar.  I have a wife, 3 kids, a house.  I have a job making 120K a year and I am looking for another one. I am constantly trying to do better. I am never satisfied with anything I do...its never good enough... nothing will ever be good enough.  Because you have always been told you are never good enough. Nothing you have ever done has ever been good enough.  So you constantly try to do better.  Somedays it feels like it will never end.  This isn't a case of trying to be better than your neighbor.  This is trying to be better than yourself and its a battle you will never win.

There is no inexpensive way to access the many fabulous treatment options that exist for troubled teens or families in crisis. At Bodin, we believe that by hiring an Educational Consultant you are adding value and potentially reducing the overall cost of treatment. Check out our website www.thebodingroup.com or call 800-874-2124 to hear more about Educational Consulting.

I'm finding it hard to concentrate and I'm busy, so anything that interferes with that is lost.

Contact Lenses
Washing
Sleeping
Talking

I'm making plans, eBay is going really REALLY well and everything I touch is making money. It's getting obsessional though.

The channelling is happening again, where I drive everything so hard and fast I can't get my words out, I look like a twaddling, stumbling arse as my words are quick and jumbled and I'm getting myself frustrated and in a twist. The irritability is back, marry this with the inability to communicate and I'm a bit of a loose cannon. I think I've told "you" what's upsetting me, when really I've zapped out fifteen random words at the speed of light, which you don't understand. You've then repeated the thing that's irritating me as you didn't understand me, and the reaction is twice as big!!!

My CPN and Psychiatrist are a little concerned that even though I'm on a dose of 1000mg Depakote and 20mg Citolopram, I am not reacting to it. I am still rapidly cycling, getting cycles two/three times a week and non-drowsiness. There's no sleep (5 hours If I'm lucky) and the brain is going like the clappers, non-Bipolars don't understand this. Why can't you just relax, slow down? Good question, fuck knows is the answer, if I could trust me I would....

... So yeh hating this stage, had my Depakote increased to 1500mg per day as of Yesterday, hopefully this will bring some of the relief that I have been craving. I just want to pull my own skin off at the moment, people are constantly saying "oh but you're so rational", I am rational, that's why this is particularly difficult.

Here I am, trying to sit this high out, without breaking to many eggs or upsetting too many people - self included.

I'll come back when I feel a bit more constructive and when the brain is able to cope without a spellchecker and a fog of misery.

Stay well

-Beeper-

That is like me and Mark at times, when one of us feel weak the other tugs to keep the weak one going. I feel the events of this past 2 months have been hard, tugging on the patience,  on the heart strings, on the emotions.

It is NEVER easy to move, it is never easy to uproot your life, and then having a bipolar, manic then depressive struggle in the mix, well it is a lot of life's stressors eating away at Mark, and at me having to live it but not be able to help him out of the slump.

I am off tomorrow- the propane and the shed are the tasks of the day. The propane folks will go and put a tank in and set up the furnace and the stove. The shed dude tomorrow too.

Then we start the unload to the shed and the house. We bought drinks for the potential helpers for tomorrow and Saturday. Mark and I have been talking and he may end up going to Oswego Behavior Health clinic in the morning if he is still unable to sleep and having the racing thoughts. He does not want to leave the stuff tomorrow to me, I do not want him to prolong going up there and seeking someone to see him.I will be okay, he may need help to be okay. 

So we will see how the night goes. All who believe in God and the power of prayer, please join me in praying that he is able to find a practitioner who will care about his well being and listen to him. I know this is not as good as it gets.

Thanks to all for being there. I am actually going to post this on both my blog and his tonight incase someone goes to just one or the other. My love to all, Cindy and Mark-- Mr and Mrs Justakrusen

If you are looking for guidance or are considering boarding school or residential treatment for your child, adolescent or young adult, you may consider hiring an Educational Consultant.  The Educational Consultants at Bodin travel throughout the country evaluating schools and programs to assist families in developing successful placement plans.  An Educational Consultant will assist in evaluating what a student needs to best support them emotionally and academically to ensure a successful experience for the student and family.  To learn more about the Educational Consultants at Bodin visit www.thebodingroup.com or call 800-874-2124.

Oh I’m fighting it. This depression is eating away at me but I’m soldiering onward. I’m currently fighting the urge to go buy smokes. I hate smoking. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Cigarettes are evil. Damn them for being the only legal method of hurting myself. Damn this pain for being so alluring. Damn everything. Damn myself for not being stronger. Damn my luck with women. Damn my coworker for being so unattainable. Damn my perceptions that are probably horribly inaccurate. Screw it. Damn everything.

You know what? In my cubicle I put up a few inspirational quotes. One of them is a Japanese proverb which reads, “Fall seven times, stand up eight.” After I put it up I noticed that it’s not quite that wise. In order to stand up eight times, you need to fall eight times. If you only fall seven times, then standing up seven times will suffice to get you back on your feet. Who came up with this stuff and who was their math teacher?

1:10 pm

Damn it. I forgot to submit a renewal at work today and now I don’t know what I did or didn’t do with it. I’m doing all of the steps over again but I’m worried that because I screwed up, they won’t keep me past my 3 month probationary period. F*** F*** F***… I can’t lose this job. I’m having a horrible day. I started smoking again. Why? Not because cigarettes will solve any of my problems, but because I’m depressed and what do I do when I’m depressed? I want to hurt myself… so I smoke. I hate fighting, I wish I could just surrender and give up. Damn society for not letting me.

5:55 pm

Life is great. My coworker and I are probably going for drinks next Monday. Two thumbs up for that!! I’m in a good mood, my duties at work are being handled, and even though I’ve started smoking again, I know that I’ll be able to quit.

This may not be bi-polar disorder, but the ups and downs definitely make it feel real. Maybe I’m just fighting my depressive habitual thinking so it feels like I’m bi-polar?

It is with much sadness that I have to talk about this subject.  A good friend of mine had committed suicide a few days ago.  She was very full of life and exuded energy most of us could ever dream of having, but suffered from various mental issues that were treated with a plethora of medications for bi-polar disorder, depression, and anxiety to name a few.  She found out a month or so ago, that the medications that were prescribed for her were in direct conflict with each other.  This is not a good thing in anyway.  She then decided that her doctors messed up, (which they did) and went off the medications cold turkey. Sadly, this is where she went wrong.  Psychological mood altering drugs have extreme side effects and harmful withdrawl symptoms.  That is why they make you wean off of the drugs due to these symptoms.  For example, most people don't know but one of the major side effects of Prozac is DEPRESSION! Next time you get a chance, look up Prozac online or if you are a user, check the bottle.  Psych drugs are very harmful.  The way they work in the brain is they either block certain receptors or increase certain receptors in the brain that can cause feeling of either depression or anxiety, depending on the condition.  When this starts working, the brain starts to crave the drug to work normally.  Now this reaction can happen regardless of there being a condition or not.  These drugs alter the brain's chemistry and when a person goes off of them suddenly like my friend, the consequences can be devastating.  The brain then gets "cravings" and doesn't know what to do and actually sends the patient into a more fragile state and this makes them feel as if they are no longer in any control.  Some people have the ability to eventually work out of this state of mind, but others do not.

I only write about this because it has hit very close to home for me in the past few days.  I want you as the reader to just think.  We all know someone that is on some type of mood altering drugs or are on them yourself.  Think of the consequences of your choices.  Just because a Doctor tells you need a medication because you feel a little down, use your common sense.  If your instincts tell you that you really don't want to, try and seek alternative therapies first.  Use drugs as  a last resort.  I know of at least one person who is in agreement but she can't add her two cents anymore.  Rest in Peace, my good friend. I hope that this opens the eyes of a few more people.

He would throw things: dishes, tools, and remote controls. He would punch holes in the wall. He didn't drink much alcohol, so he is to blame. He would follow his wife around without her knowing to make sure she was doing what she said she was doing in town. He would seem polite to those in the outside world, but when he was at home he would become a rage filled asshole.

He took her money, and used it for his retirement.  He is an asshole by design. He is the worst jerk of his kind. He is mental. He is a power hungry freak. Women should turn the other cheek when they see him coming. He is a man that you don't want to know. He is a man that needs to control.

Stay away from a man like this, stay as far away as you can: Men that disrespect their family. Men that hurt those around them are cowards, liars, and cheats. This man is that type. He loves to make his children cry.  He stalks. He hides when he does some cowardly deed. It is true this man is evil.  

He doesn't work, and when he does he always finds some way to leave. He is hostile. He is insecure. He has no power in the outside world. He is like all the other abusers. He is nothing to the real world. He acts all tough when you see him coming. He doesn't like educated people. Fear him. He is full of lies.

His wife left him. She did the right thing. But he cried and he wanted her back. He said that he would change he said that he would make things right. Well, she didn't give in and that is the end. The only problem here, is they have offspring. He didn't want to give up custody. So he gets them every other weekend, thus keeping his ex-wife in his life. I am sure he got joint custody for power reasons. I am sure he got it  so that he could keep controlling his ex-wife. He loves having his ex-wife in his life, so he can make her miserable even if he is a hundred and fifteen miles away. He didn't have much to with the offspring when they were married. He now tries to get back with his ex-wife, and pretends that he is cured. But, inside there is monster just waiting to snap.

Women before you marry or commit to a relationship know your partners past. If there is violence in it, don't commit, because chances are that they could get violent again. Let this story above be some guidance, because it is based on a true story. If you are being abused get help. Remember marriage should never be used as a way to control and manipulate someone. You don't belong to no one. You have a mind and can think for yourself.

 FIN...

presents

The Return of
Bi-Polar Thursday
06.26.08
@Deity

Ali Shaheed Muhammad (A Tribe Called Quest & Lucy Pearl)
spins every Thursday night
additional music by dj UncleMike

Hosted by Martini Cocoa

10pm-4am
Cover $5 b4 12 & $10 after

"breaking the rules : sublime beats: ridiculous energy : you know how we do"

Deity
368 Atlantic Ave(Hoyt and Bond) Brooklyn, NY 11217
718.222.DNYC(3692)

A, C, & G train to Hoyt & Schermerhorn
2, 3, 4, 5, B, Q to Atlantic Ave : D, M, N, R to Pacific St.

Parenting can be really lonely. When our children are young, the feelings of loneliness and/or isolation are offset by the excitement of the high expectations of the great things to come. When those great things turn out to be difficulties academically or emotionally, phone calls from other parents or schools and teachers to notify you of some behavior from your child that is shocking, it can become more lonely and isolated than ever. When your friends, family or co-workers are celebrating their children or teens milestones and you are just hoping to get through the day without a phone call from the school or police, day to day can become brutal.

At Bodin, we suggest that you talk to a professional, take care of yourself, your marriage and other relationships that will keep you from making important decisions for your child based on isolation, loneliness and fear.

An Educational Consultant at Bodin can help. Our consultants have worked with thousands of families over the last 29 years to develop strong educational and treatment plans for families in crisis and for students who are not thriving. Check out www.thebodingroup.com

I was riddled with anxiety. HOW could I explain to these people in just 350 words that I was so much more qualified, and far better suited to the job than the other 400 applicants? How could I make them understand that I could do this job standing on my head? That I'd be far more committed than the myriad of try-hards they were sifting through - but not overly-ambitious or arrogant, naturally!

Who needs 350 words?
I can say it in 4: Been there. Done that.
Or 3: Just add water.

I recently read a review of a book comprised entirely of 6-words memoirs. What a marvelous idea! I'd like to write one about life in 6 words.

# Learning, yearning and inertia
My initial scribbling...

Life:

• Live fearlessly. Love unconditionally. Enjoy solitude.
• Cook. Clean. Exercise. Laugh. Love. Pray. 
• Seek a career that stimulates you.
• Find a partner that understands you.
• Always move forward. Small steps count.

Love:

• Love: rejoicing in one another's company.
• Eccentric woman seeks life of love.

Depression:

• When despair takes over, life stops.
• Woes... Foes... Why rise from bed?
• No-one else cares. Why should I?
• Running from darkness doesn't help. Fight.

Feminism:

• Women aren't better. Different, but equal.
• Men are wonderful; good at lifting.

Happiness:

• Seek what makes your heart sing!
• Guilty damaging pleasures: wine, chocolate, men.

Tell me something - in six words?

CPN CARE

I first heard the term CPN on an Internet forum, people were talking their CPN's down and really dragging their experiences out in the open for all to see. I had to google CPN to see what it meant, realising that it was meant "community psychiatric nurse", christ I didn't even know what Bipolar meant until February 2008!

As I am a complete n00b to my Bipolarity, even though the cycle is well embedded. I have started into the system aged 32, will all my defences, flaws and hard headed conceptions. I met my CPN for the first time at my first CMHT (community mental health team) meeting, she was my first point of care and understanding, undertaking my initial assessment and family history. Watching my tears, dechipering my mumbles, listening to some of the shocking and egocentric thoughts I have, along with high behaviours and indicators.

You see I had no idea what the hell would happen once the doctor hit the send button and sent my information off in a referral, I was on the way to the experts. Who tells you what happens next?

No one that's who, I went fishing on the forums for some reassurances and walked away with some informative and supportive posts, weaved in with the "my Bipolar is harder than yours" posts, I've never seen it as a competition, why the hell would you want it to be worse than it is? That's messy.

At the time of my referral, I was highly anxious, suicidally depressed and starting anti depressants this added some additional weight and paranoia into the daily equation.

Fortunately, I was seen in about six weeks from the referral. The anti depressants were starting to do something, I was high as hell though looking back at the assessment, as above I met my CPN with an open mind. She's my age exactly, cheeky as hell and quite flippant. This unnerves me for some reason, someone my age making decisions and managing my health, I forget sometimes that I'm actually 32 and not 4.

At this initial meeting, my CPN asked me to identify indicators with her, to show when I'm depressed or high. Allowing her to watch for them, I could barely think of any, some of which I really didn't want to be discussing with a girl at our first meeting (hyersexuality is a BIG sign). She explained that we would meet once a week and see how things progressed, week one she was sick, so that one hit the skids from the off.

On my next visit, she advised me that I am indeed Bipolar. This freaked me out to high heaven, I have heard that it takes years of assessments and reviews before most people get a diagnosis. I admit, I fell between the medical cracks for twenty five years, but a diagnosis within three months and two CMHT meetings? It was only fair for me to ask how they based this, I was advised that due to my detailed history and very clear exhibeted Bipolar behaviour, I was textbook. Wow, really wasn't expecting to hear that.

From our first meeting, I think my CPN and I have been like a pair of cats circling each other. We've switched venue from the CMHT HQ to my house of a luncthime, making things a little easier. I'm hard headed and really take my time to trust and open up, there are things I've done or thought about that I barely admit to myself, that I've never told another living soul, how do you express this stuff?

She's been rather comforting but non-comittal and aloof, a lot of our appointments have changed at the last minute or been cancelled for random reasons. Some of the time I have been involved in other CMHT issues, like seeing the Psychiatrist, being a guest speaker at a training day and we've overlapped. On more than one occassion, she's pulled my leg or said "get over it" in a phone call and I've taken offence to it, become sultry and paranoid and subsequently a little withdrawn in our chats. As an expert at covering up, I think I can run rings around her..... but why should I?

After a number of let down's, upsets, paranoia days and mixed episodes. I didn't want to be a forum beater as I had read, the only way I could see forward was honesty. People make me laugh when they say they're honest, when what they mean is they're rude and obnoxious. Honesty doesn't have to be like this.

I am an ex-business person, and ex-high flyer. I know how to people manage and when you add this with a bit of people magnetism and charm, this is why I always seem confident to others, I know how to achieve my goals as painlessly as possible... A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

So in my most recent session (13/06/08), we had the chat, she didn't know it was coming and afterwards she left thinking she had masterminded it. Excuse me for sounding smug, I am, this is the trait of mine I value the best, it's like having a silent fart in a lift and it passing undetected, so satisfying although a bit twisted.

I raised all my issues in a motivational way, I explained that I know it may sound selfish, but this is what I need:-

• consistency
• honesty
• time
• structure
• communication

I will return the favour, it means that we can try and get something out of our time together and improve my mental health a little. She was a little saddened by my paranoia confession, but I felt she needed to know the effects of these changes.

Something set me off, as we ended on a big high, she said she didn't want to leave she was enjoying herself and I then went on to come out (Bipolar) at work!

We'll see how it goes, next session is tomorrow, I'm hoping things develop.

People online have told me how lucky I am to have a CPN, I'm not quite sure on the take for this one. It's nice having someone to talk to, but remember, they're not a friend, they record your conversations and issues. CPN's are trained as medical staff, not emotional support staff. They're around to make sure you are taking your tablets, that your medication is working and that you are seeing the right people at the right time, part of this touches on life review, but really this is just for impact analysis.

I reply to these comments fully, it's nice to know that someone out there is watching your progress, but as much as they can help you they can damage you. They are human and and are unable by their own actions to hold you up, and sort your life out. They'll miss appointments, they'll say the wrong thing, sometimes they'll leave and you'll wonder why you bothered making the time to meet with them.

As I said, the jury is still out for me, as much as the support is new for me, it's a bind letting the mask down and explaining your innermost thoughts and fears with someone who scribbles furiously on a notepad.

CPN Round Up

• remember your CPN works for you as well as your trust, explain to them what you need and how you respond to this best. Could you walk into any old office and start working without instruction?
• CPN's are human, they will miss appointments, screw up and generally have bad days, it's not always down to you, try and be objective.
• ask questions and set objectives, you're an adult, you can take care of yourself ask for the services you feel will make a difference, if you get a no, ask for detail.
• listen, as a Bipolar person, I fail at this spectacularly, believing no-one could know better than me. They do though, a CPN's opinion is a new opinion or insight, use it.
• equip your CPN as much as possible, prep them with charts, diaries and indicators. The more information you provide them with, the better they can work on your behalf.

I'm not sure if I've hit the appropriate markers here or not, let me know your thoughts.... I like a bit of debate.

-Beeper-

My husband, my loyal friend, my cheering squad, my fan. This is a guy who has been kicked in the gut "figuratively" in life more then I can believe. And yet he has come to his feet, and survives.

He is not feeling very strong right now,

not feeling very worthwhile right now, he seems to feel lost, looking for the light but way deep in the thick of the woods. He has a sense of people, sense of what people are thinking , even when they do not say it. He has a firm handle on what is right and wrong, and even though he is not a Saint, (he has had his moments of floundering, but we all have!) he is dependable.

He is currently going through yet another tough time.

His bi-polar is in dire need of being managed, yet the mental health community here seems to have more people who need help then there are psychiatrists to help. He was to a point of depression that ended him in a mental health ER in April, they sent him home on Abilify and since that time we have been trying to find a psychiatrist to follow up with. Fortunately he does have a very good social worker, unfortunately the social worker can not write prescriptions for him. The Abilify was too strong so he was taking 1/2 every 3 days.

He has an appointment in August with a psychiatrist

, but we had to to find a different doctor who could get him into one sooner, as he was having problems with anxiety, depression, racing thoughts and lack of sleep. Last Weds he did go for his initial visit, the psychiatrist canceled the Abilify and prescribed Lithium, and then 2 days later their practice banned Mark from coming back! ( Mark had asked the doctor to write a letter stating that his bipolar was exacerbated by all the problems he has had in this past year with a surgery that went bad, a post op infection and now a disability that won't allow him to ever drive a truck again) Some whiz in the office then felt we would try to blame his bipolar on his job!! That was not the intent, it was just to show to comp that he has other problems other then his damaged leg.  Once again a kick in the gut. Another , why did that whole thing happen. We now have a call to his primary care, to see if he can assist with the blood work and the prescriptions until a psychiatrist will see him in August.

I wish people knew him, really knew him,

took the time to spend quality time with him. He is a nice guy! He had just landed a job driving a van part time for disabled folks, so they could go to a day program. Had he been controlled on his meds and if he was being monitored, I think he would have been able to continue that job, and those clients would have come to know him . I think he would have found self worth through them. However, the lack of medication management and no psychiatrist, well the anxiety and fogginess overtook his ability to continue- and his one visit psych person pulled him out of work for 4 weeks. Unfortunately, she won't ever clear him for work, cuz she abandoned him.

I am angry with all who have never given him a chance,

and I treasure those who have. He has meant some really cool , real people on line blogging, and they support each other. It is so cool to see that pride and strength that they offer each other. I, personally, am thankful for having him in my life, for he treasures each breath I take, he really only ever wants to make life better for me, and he is so proud of his daughter and my son. He is a true friend to those who are friends with him, he leaves an impression on people who come to know him,and he has foresight, wisdom and  determination. I pray that his primary doc will help us through these next couple of months, and that the psychiatrist is worth the wait. For I want more of you to come to know him, and more of him to come out of the shell it is entrapped in, so he can share his true self. My love to all, Cindy

Let me start by telling you about my awful morning, I feel I know you well enough to be straight up, I hate visiting the dentist. There said it, it's a joint first in the anxiety inducing stakes with flying.

I am a typical Bipolar person you see, with a self depreciation issue the same as most. I don't drown myself in alcohol, nor do I use illicit drugs, I don't self harm in the conventional way. I abuse sugar and caffeine, it's my way of exerting my lack of control.

As you can imagine, this has taken it's toll on both my weight and my teeth. Combine this issue with awful NHS treatment, who probably did more harm than good. I have in the last six months, joined a top notch private practice and resigned myself to a year of pain to put right the wrongs and prevent me being toothless before I'm 40!

I need a root canal on my right bottom molar, thing is the nerve is too inflamed. We have had three previous attempts at this, each time over 4 injections and one directly into the open nerve (I can't describe the pain of this) and I'm no nearer to getting it resolved.

So at 8am this morning, I was trying to get ready, shaking like a pooping dog and trying to be positive. I'm conscious that I look an arse in front of these people, yes it's painful, I get paranoid about them believing me, I can't take the pain without treatment and I can't take the pain of the treatment.... hmm.

9am, at dentist's. Sitting in the waiting room, I feel the anxiety building, try to dismiss it. Music seems loud, it's barely above a whisper, but it's filling my head, this is the last place on earth I want to be. So... full of front, in I go. I make a number of self depreciating jokes to try and excuse what I predict is going to be a messy appointment. Paranoia is on overdrive, I'm feeling sick, twitching about, rambling and lie down waiting for it all to start. Why can't they just put people to sleep and do the work? My boss' daxie (dog) went to the vet yesterday to have his teeth done, he was put out and it all done while he was under (lucky git).

I won't bore you with all of the details, just the run down. I was in the chair 2 hours, over 10 injections in two teeth, two in nerves of said teeth. The first injection into the nerve was so painful, I screamed, jumped in the chair and spontaneously started crying. Although it was massively embarrassing, it was a huge relief to be able to cry. I had to explain that I was feeling overly emotional, I don't think they really understood. I have to go back again for another attempt and a wisdom tooth extraction oh joy.

Leaving the surgery I was a bit light headed and freaked, I needed to take my morning pills and ventured off for a bottle of water a cereal bar and some long releasing ibroprofen tablets. Then into work where I was appreciated and apparently missed. I know comparatively, my pain was small compared to a lot of others, my blight almost non-existent and the guilt then kicks in, did I make a fuss? Did I show myself up? Why is my anxiety so extreme?

For at least a month or so, it's postponed. I'll tell you something definite, the energy taken to be anxious takes it's toll. I am exhausted beyond tired, for a change and it's really refreshing. I'm happy to troll home, shower, put on some PJ's and wind myself up in a cozy ball on the bed.

I hear you, what have I been doing since I last wrote?

Quite a lot really, my Bipolar is still cycling rapidly, I had hoped that the increased Depakote might have kicked in, fat chance. I'm swinging somewhere between rage, frustration and lethargy. I've had some wicked arguments with AT and generally sat on my fat arse watching the jobs and promises pile up around me. You see to a non Bipolar mind, you see jobs, you do them. In the Bipolar mind, depending on the setting, you see jobs and plan them in batches, think about the intricacies required to complete them and make an action plan, then fail spectacularly to complete them, there's no explanation for this and being challenged makes it worse. The other option leaves you zooming around cleaning the bedroom and bathroom simultaneously, whilst speaking to your mum on the phone and texting your girlfriend and think nothing of it.

I know that I haven't been pulling my weight with AT, but she just sees my point above as an excuse which upsets me more, as by her own admission "sometimes you are so good, other times you're unbearable", god EXACTLY. I'm finding it difficult to keep the promises I made when high, I promised my mum's business a website, my workmate and I are selling vintage items on eBay and I have bought my own stuff independantly. Usually this is so easy it's laughable, I'm having days where I am touched by inspration and pull off some great work, other days where I can say my name without trailing off it's so frustrating and such a waste of me.

So here's what I've been up to since the last blog:-

I had a fab two nights down at the seaside, chips, wind and cuddles.. in a campervan, can it be beaten? Doubt it.

I came out as Bipolar to my boss, eek. I was terrified of doing this, I intend to write an independant post about this subject shortly. But in summary, she's an ex Psychiatric ward nurse and I was nervious about broaching the subject, due to perception and my own paranoia. She was brilliant - watch the blog for my post on coming out as Bipolar and my little take on it.

I've gently kicked my CPN's arse, I've felt a bit afloat since my diagnosis. I explained to her that I needed routine, stability and fully planned sessions. I did this in my crafty and cheeky way, as not to alienate her and make her feel at a loss. It went well and abviously motivated her, i'm being put forward for some psychology work which can't help but be a good thing and that we can try and build some trust. I explained a little of my paranoia and unsettlement at having appointments cancelled or moved. We'll see how it goes.

eBay is going well, the auctions look professional and the items we've got on as a joint venture with a work colleague are going well. The items I have listed are selling are for a good profit and he feels confident with me, it's a hobby really. AT and I are also doing a similar venture between us and enjoyed most of this weekend at car boots and charity shops picking up some good pieces and some duffs, it's all about learning and it gives us a bit of motivation.

Anyway I think that's enough chat for today, I'm off to swing up and down some more, it's all I know and I do wish it could settle off and let me see how non Bipolar people live, sleep and feel towards other people. How uncomplicated and reliable it must feel.

Much love

-Beeper-

Graduation is a milestone.  Many in society take it for granted that a student will graduate High School.  At Bodin, we recognize and honor that not all students are alike and for many, simply navigating the social hierarchy of a school campus can be crippling.  So, to those who graduated, congratulations.  To those who may be struggling, we can help.  www.thebodingroup.com