Rex seems unhappy with heaven. The bathroom is smelly, says Kat, and the B Block beds are painful. Luke immediately runs to tell Lisa that Rex has said that B Block is smelly and messy. "I hope the public makes the right decision this week," says Luke, and remember what I told you blah blah blah. Dale is doing his wine task, and repeating the word "bouquet". Mo is also failing to identify the wines. He mumbles the word "chateaux". Luke tells Mikey he is having the worst birthday. However, he thinks Big Brother will do something nice for him. HA. I very much doubt it. According to Luke, Mo asked for a teabag out of the bin as they have run out. Did anyone see or hear this, or is this just one of Luke's embellished tales?

Darnell mistakenly thinks the hell housemates are happy. Rex is having a strop in the bathroom, throwing a bottle about and pretending to sleep. Kat looks perturbed. "I'm scare he gonna go," she says. He's certainly not doing himself any favours. "Give us something to do!" he says. "There's boring, and there's fucking boring," he says. There is a smatter of oddly sycophantic laughing. Oddness. However, in the task room, hell housemates are about to complete the cycling task. The heaven housemates cheer Mikey on as he gurns on the bike. Mikey covers his ears as he cycles, and I don't know why. TELL ME. They all scream as he pedals away. Bex suddenly has enough energy to do a hateful dance.

Finally, Rex and Kat have to do a food test. They have to eat a big baguette in 30 minutes. OH YES, FIRST GIRLS WRITHING ON BIKES AND NOW A MASSIVE BAGUETTE. I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING. Yum, it is full of cheese and stuff though. Woo. Bex again looks punchable/ready to punch someone. "Smash it with yer ands," syas Lisa, to help Kat on her bready way. "I sued to get those after the nightclub, with 20 hotdog sausages," she says, and no, she's not talking about Mario. Rex is a true muncher. Kat is not doing well. Rex may be sick. Ugh. Brilliant, thanks. Poor Kat IS sick. They don't finish the task. Poor Kat feels bad about it. "What you're missing out on is that you tried," says Rachel. "There you were, buffing up." BUFFING UP? I've never heard that one before. Now Big Brother reads out their results. Rachel and Maysoon's mime passes. Kat and Rex fail. The cycling task passes. Mo and Dale fail the wine task. So it was a fail overall. CHICKPEAS FOR ALL. The hell housemates are really irate. They are blaming Mo and Dale for the fail. "Incompetence, is that," says Fred Elliott Luke.

But now they are baking Luke a birthday cake. Darnell is going mad because he wants Sara to cook him some rice. However, when cooked, he won't eat it. I don't think Sara is upset, but it's all confusing. Oh well. More votes for him on Monday. The cake is made and is unsubtly pink and yellow. How camp. Darnell, Bex and Dale celebrate with Luke in the 'wine cellar'. Mikey is stirring because he doesn't think Dale gets on with Luke. The party sing to Take That. Bex, of course, knows all the words. Bex and Luke clean their teeth outside in the hell sinks. "You look thirty," says Luke to Bex. Or did I mishear? Did he say "You look dirty?"

Now, when I say soon.  I don't mean next week, or

.  Soon means some time in the future.  I don't know when I'm going to get around to making the video, or finishing the video, or uploading the video, until I mark in my iCal.

Just wanted to let you know.

-KM

Two of the couples (and a guy in a kayak) were pretty gung-ho about canoeing whereas Stuart and I and another couple were a little more into the "recreating" part. It just isn't boating until you've cracked open a cold one at 9:30 am. We had fun, but 8 miles is a little much. I would have been fine with about 5. My ass would have been fine with maybe 1. Those wooden slats they try to pass off as seats would effectively double as medieval torture devices. Towards the end I was about ready to abandon ship and swim to the takeout point.

It was a beautiful day to do it though - all cloudy and not too hot. It rained briefly, which I greatly prefer to the hot sun beating down on you. Stuart was especially grateful - he gets burned just thinking about being in the sun. It's no wonder, with a name like Stuart McCutcheon - he's half Irish, half Scottish, and totally white. I hope our children get my skin - otherwise they'll be little vampire children we can only let out of their coffins at night. "Honey - the cloud cover's heavy today, you and the kids can come outside!"

The housemates get called to the task room for a nice breakfast. Mo Mohammed wants to just start eating. "SMELL THOSE EGGS!" shouts Dale. That might be the most exciting he's ever been. Kat bounces and screams. BB reads out the votes. Dale gets 3. He looks really upset. Luke gets 2. He jokes. Darnell gets the rest, and looks almost embarrassed. Everyone claps. Dale gets those rape eyes again, the ones he came into the house with. He rubs his chin and acts like it's fine. It isn't. 

There's another food fight. Bex is heavily involved. I refuse to dignify it with any more column inches. All I'll say, you manatee, is that people are starving around the world. WELL DONE. 

I love the idea of Darnell as Head Of House. He's so noble, eh? He orders Rex to read some instructions out. These state that the house is divided into Heaven and Hell. Darnell gets to live in Heaven, and gets to choose six housemates to live with him. (Good job Alex isn't here, or the Heaven thing might become a whole shebang.) Isn't Heaven and Hell exciting? Well, no, not really. Remember the prison from a few years back? Same thing. Only with less of a divide. And with the four alpha males, Katreya and Rachel. Oh, and Maysoon. When Darnell announces her, Luke looks shocked. Don't be, Luke: He's thinking with his penis, just like you do with that dirty chuffer Bex. "I'm the shit! I'm the shit!" yells Darnell, jumping about. But wait! The Hell Housemates have a plan. "Rebecca is going to cook for them lot, cook them shit food," suggest Lisa. "We'll make it hell for them, and see them moan and groan." 

Have you ever noticed how much Belinda looks like Hoggle from Labyrinth? She wobbles out towards Hell making little horns on her head, and I swear I can imagine her pissing against a wall whilst David Bowie manipulates her. She'd probably like that. 

There's a horrific feeling of foreboding seeing Bex's reaction to Hell. She's so subdued I can only assume that she'll break and do something terrible at some point, something like my old insane cat used to do before we had to have it put down - piss in a kettle, or something.

"Oh My God! This is a horrible," Sara says, with regards to the sushi and iPods that the housemates have been given. The Heavenly ones eat their food whilst dancing and wearing 18th Century outfits with angel wings. It's a great sight. "I'm so unhappy!" screams Bex. Well, kill yourself then. See if we care. This is fun for the housemates, I think, but painfully dull to watch. Wonder why you are hemorrhaging viewers, producers? This is why. This is just boring. It should be fun, and it sort of is, but it's tiresome. Jack Sprat - who ate no fat - and his wife - who ate no lean - lie on the cheap beds and moan and bitch and whine. "They look like a bunch of twats," says Mikey, of the dancing Heavenly housemates. Everyone laughs. I don't like to remind them that Mikey is blind and can't tell what they look like. 

HOLD THE PHONES! Lisa does an impression of Nigella Lawson. Any potential imitation comedians, watch this for tips. All you have to do is rub butter on something and shake your bum a bit. That's what Nigella does, right? That's all she does. I suggest that when Lisa leaves she hits the Northern comedy circuit with that one. It'll go down a storm.

OH LUKE STOP PROTESTING! I am getting so wound up now with his refusal to just man-up and admit he fancies Bex. I think she's a turd, doesn't mean he has to! And look, here she is being turdy and screaming and shouting and petulant. I know somebody who is stopping watching Big Brother because they hate Bex so much. Surely that isn't what you want from a housemate? Nobody loves to hate her, do they? UGH.

Bex complains about the vile cake - which she likens to a penis - but really, I can't be bothered to tell you what she does. You've seen her: guess how she acts. 

And then Lisa tells a ghost story about her daughter seeing an old woman in their house (Luke?) and blah blah, and Darnell and Maysoon throw a doughnut at the bedroom window and scare the shit out of them. WIN.

Luke bitches about Bex and her breasts in the Diary Room. "She's effervescent (big word)," says Luke. So is xxx to you, Luke. He misses Mario's leadership, too. He assures us that he doesn't want to turn the house into a cult, and that Bex has been vindicated by the public. Again, it's the self-awareness problem. Didn't he see who she was up against? Mo and Kat cuddle in B Block. Kat has sensed the unease, and I think is thinking ahead. What if Rex and Mo fall out? What then?"In the last ten days, he would say certain things," Mo says of Rex. Oh yes, saying stuff. How hateful. To be fair, we have seen some sniping between them, but it hasn't been particularly awful - just low-level stress stuff.

HINT OF A SPOILER TO COME. And now to the house divide tosh that starts this week. Dale reads out that a Head of House should be chosen (because Big Brother is apparently now like boarding school). You can see the excitement in Luke LITERALLY oozing out. Ha! I know who it becomes head of house, and Luke won't be happy! "If you can't run the house," says Stu as the housemates who want to run for head stand up, "you'll be in the firing line next week." Big Brother! This is a threat! Put him in gaol and deny him his nominations! "They're handing a manifesto for a dictatorship out here," minces Luke, apparently competent in using English. Darnell, Dale and Luke are candidates. "I think Luke would be fair," slimes Maysoon. "I have a DEGREE in it," says Luke. Er - well, at 20, I doubt you do, and furthermore, you have a degree in being head of house? Well done!

Mo tells Sara he wanted to be head - to impress her, obviously - and she says little. "This house is divided into blue and red," says Belinda. "It's about splitting personalities." I do still like Belinda, despite other viewers' dislike - but she does waffle, it's true. AND LOOK. Luke is wearing a suit. He has a blackboard for his manifesto. He is proud. Bex seems to be his scribe. Watch out, Luke! She has chalk! "I think I can win this," says Luke. WE'LL SEE. On the manifesto, he gets Bex to write "Rise above personal attacks." Is that advice to himself, or to the house? He crocodile cries. He's so vile I can't even type. In  the main house, the others discuss who they want to win the headship. "Luke will be my last choice," says Rex. "Why's that?" asks Mikey. "Because he's Luke," says Rex. Ha. Moments of comedy like this are few and far between at the moment. Savour while you can. "We know you like bumming Luke," Rex says to Mikey. "I don't like you today," says Rachel, but hirariously, everyone else disagrees. "I like the new Rex!" explodes Stu. Rachel has fianlly had an opinion and it's irrelevant. Brill.

Luke, Dale and Darnell deliver their speeches. Dale's is predictably boring and small potatoes. "The majority rules. It's demo, democ, democratic," he stutters. Luke's is pretentious and hateful. "Happy house budget. I'll get you alcohol," he says, although he does not make clear how that will happen. Darnell is honest and responsible. Weirdly, he's the one who sounds most like a politician in his speech. Luke fails to answer Rex's question, and is slimey. "What did happen with Rebecca?" asks Lisa. "No comment," he smirks, inwardly thinking 'I WAS RAPED'. Dale stutters a monotone answer to Kat's question. Bex is wearing white hockey socks. Luke makes some clear innuendo about getting Bex drunk. She looks shocked but hopeful. The candidates then go to campaign to other housemates. They then go to discuss who they want to win. This is unusual; the housemates aren't normally very good at reaching sane, joint decisions. Finally, the election begins. The results aren't revealed until tomorrow, but I have more than hinted at who doesn't win.

Mo and Rex sit outside in the dark with their hoods up. Perhaps they are hiding from Luke and Bex, talking about how people perceive them. Vile Mouseman and Carthorse from Cov, maybe? Rex, Bex, Stu and Dale squash into the toilet. (Not the bowl, obviously! LMAO!) They are planning a jape! "Don't get Luke, he's in bed," says Bex, obviously saving him for later. Bex and Stu put scarves over their mouths, then throw wet toilet paper at everyone. They'll be sorry when they're on the basic budget, eating lentils and have run out of bog roll! Bex and Luke then whisper in the dark, like an old married couple. She gets up, and Luke puts loads of bedding on the floor so she'll be cold. HAHAHA I am dying laughing, oh yes. She throws some pillows at hoim. His little face is all alight. God. Please, please don't let the rest of this week be like this.

Det är svårt att tänka sig att den siste ägaren till slottet Apethorpe Hall lämnade slottet att förfalla när han flydde landet. Brittiska staten köpte slottet för tre miljoner pund och har de senaste fyra åren renoverat för närmare 4 miljoner pund. De 4,5 miljoner pund man nu begär tycks vara en rätt bra affär.

Under 1500 och 1600-talen var Apethorpe Hall bland de mest populära besöksmålen för tidens kungligheter från husen Tudor och Stuart. Är man i Northamptonshire nu i sommar går det att själv besöka slottet.

På BBC:s hemsida finns ett inslag om restaureringen och de höjdpunkterna, slottets vackra tak och målade fönster. Se även vaktmästaren som själv vaktade slottet, de senaste tio åren helt ideelt.

"Last night, Rebecca and Luke kissed," says Geordie, and I immediately miss my holiday. Lisa says that Luke and Bex's kiss was "dead funny". She isn't wrong. Sara has a croaky voice. How is she? Has she been a good housemate? I had quite forgotten that she existed. Bex has that look on her face like she had a roofie last night, and she's woken up and can't remember how she got home and who that man is. Luke makes a coffee for Mario and Lisa, a tiny little slave boy. Bex covers her mouth as she sees Luke, and Darnell advances towards her, hand raised, like he's going to slap her stupid face. He makes out that it's a high-five, but we know differently.

It's so odd. Sorry, Luke's so odd. He acts like the kiss is going to change the world, and announces it to Mikey in a faux-ambiguous way. "We might have shared an intimate moment," he says, and then damns it and says he's going to drown his sorrows. Bex looks sick to her tummy. Luke says he feels sick. I think that they might be the first couple in BB history to manage to stay together and be happy. 

Now, Sara asks Rex about how many phones he has. This is what I've missed? This is the thrilling injection that the new housemates brought to the table? Mario runs around the garden, convinced he isn't leaving the house. WELL WELL WELL, MARIO. Let's see your face tonight, eh? "At my age, I'm not really worried," he says. Yeah: Older people have a history of winning, right? "Bex is using you," Mario tells Luke, making him feel great about himself. "She has no conscience," says Luke. "It's the saying: A standing prick has no conscience," replies Mario. Ugh. The pictures in my mind are repugnant.

Mo Mohammed remembers what his pre-asylum house looks like. There's a bazooka through the wall. BUT WAIT! This is less interesting to the editors and general public than Luke and Bex calling each other beasts, apparently. Luke Chuckle Brother uses the word "cringe" far too much. They are flirting so much, I swear, it's almost sweet, were one not a gruesome and aggressive manatee and the other a gnarled old (tranny) lady. Mikey explains what French kissing is. Why is it called French kissing? Answers in a comment box, please. Mario and Lisa bath and loufer and scrub each other again, and Lisa puts forward a brilliant argument for us going back to the beginning, and to not wearing clothes. "It's not in your DNA," Mario says as a reason for not stripping off and regressing back. I wonder if Lisa is referring to Prehistoric times or Adam and Eve? Is she a 'God-y' or a 'Science-y'? My money's on science: look at those boobs.

Darnell tells his prison story, and it's a bit patchy. He claims that he didn't have enough money to call his parents to tell them he was in prison. Hm. He says he wasn't in prison for drug crimes but was there for 8 months as an illegal alien. Hm. I like Darnell, I really do, but that is HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS. Stuart and Sara lie on the bed, and Sara rubs her boobs whilst she says that she likes Stuart. "My heart's thumping," she says. I SPOT A ROMANCE! Am I wrong, people? No I am not. I never am.

Belinda is shocked that Lisa used to use more makeup. Now, Lisa thinks she looks "classy". Stick her in the box marked mental, Belinda: she's done. Mikey touches a ring and thinks it's a spider. I don't think he knows what a spider is, or a ring, as they are clearly nothing alike in any way, shape or form. For her eviction outfit, Bex wears some sort of leopard thing that I can only assume was purchased from a special shop devoted to whores and Mafia-wives. And the person leaving is... MARIO! (But you knew that.) Everyone looks shocked. Mario is clearly going to put his willy in somebody at some party as soon as he gets out. He's just that type of man. BY the time you read this it will already have happened. Don't, Mario! That's risky! Assess that! Etc. "The universe is calling Mario to go tonight. There's a reason. He has to go tonight," says Lisa. "He's meant to go." He isn't Dr Who, love. Calm down. "It's religious," she says. I think she needs to be told that he isn't Jesus, either.

The housemates hear some people saying a "D name with 2 syllables". Everyone thinks it's Dale, until Darnell deciphers the meaning of the phrase "2 syllables". "They didn't say Dale," says Dale. Yes, Dale: they did. Poor boy. 

Everything Luke or Bex says I read sexual meaning into, like it's a part of their disgusting foreplay. "Luke, push that box towards me," she asks, in the bedroom. "Why am I so gutted?" she asks. Rachel is upset, by the way. Here's that personality of hers: take notes now! She doesn't like people thinking that she sits on the fence, and the fact that Lisa thinks that she should leave because she is dull. "I've always looked up to Lisa," she says, which is because LISA IS SO TALL HA HA HA HA. 

I love Mo Mohammed's umbrella hat. From behind he looks like a manly French Kabuki girl.

"Coventry are on my back," Bex says. "Coventry and the boyband followers." I think she means that they have got her back, but, either way: are they really big enough to help her see BB through? She evidently suspects so. Also, I love the idea that anyone in the UK who loves a boyband somehow rallies around Bex in some odd way, like they can smell their own. Darnell talks to Maysoon and Kat, ignores Kat, forces eye contact with Maysoon and plays the sympathy card. "People look me like a puppy dog," he says. "Look at the ugly dog." He really wants to get his end away. He won't. 

"Little bit sad Mario's gone, it's only human," Lisa says in the diary room. "We were fed up with this thing where we're a couple, we're strong together. I won't change." Well, she hasn't changed anything thus far: she still looks like a puppet and speaks with a dull, whittled voice. The housemates play Paper Scissors Stone. "This is better than bum fighting!" says Darnell. Lisa goes to bed and Luke asks what's happening. "They're playing biscuit games," she says. "They're going like, Scissors, Paper, Stone." She talks about it like she's never played the game, or even heard of the game. Or, in fact, ever even heard of the items involved in the game, and the biscuits that they are using for prizes. "They win a custard cream," she says. "Oh Jeez." Since Mario left, Lisa has devolved.

Luke is a cock again. "Darnell will stab us all to get the money. That's all he cares about." Another question: has he done anything but whinge and stub his tongue into the mouth of the beast over the last week? He sleeps facing Bex, inches from her face. "I don't fancy you," he tells Bex. I imagine that, under those bedsheets, he's got an erection. "Why would I fancy you?" he asks, touching her lips with his fingers. She reaches over to feel his penis, and confirms his erection, the one that I predicted seconds back. 

Luke, ladies and gentlemen: The un-conscienced standing prick of Mario's story. Daddy Mario would be proud.

Lisa says that Mario is not bothered if he is evicted. Whatever, love. "He's a very sensitive man, is Mario," she bleats. "He's a bit annoyed, I'll be honest with you." Poor Lisa.

And back to the snoring. "This isn't a personal attack," says Luke to Belinda, but in a lot of ways, it is. Imagine if they wouldn't sleep in the same room as Mikey because when he gets up for a wee he might occasionally bump into things and swear in the night... Umph. They wouldn't say anything about that... Would they?

Dale continues to choreograph for the River Dance task. "Everyone gave up in five minutes yesterday," says Rachel. "I can't accept people not trying." They all think they'll fail the task, but I dunno. really depends what kind of mood Big Brother is in, as sometimes housemates pass or fail on the most major or minor of things. It also depends on whether BB wants the housemates to be angry and full of chickpeas, or angry and full of booze. Now Luke, Bex and Stuart gossip and tittletattle in the bedroom. "Darnell will step on every one of us to win, " says Luke, erroneously. If anyone is in it for the money, it's him. There is rank banter between Luke and Bex which I shan't report. Luke also moans about Belinda's ability with a drum. He is a sourpuss.

The housemates begin to dance. They all look like they're enjoying themselves, but it really is appalling.  Bex looks like a moose-like child being paid to dance with Haribo and Snakebite. Why does she have such a big, oblong head? Perhaps she was a foreceps birth. Sara looks great, and Stuart is very pleased with himself, for some reason. They all whoop. It's a sad sight. Mario, Belinda and Mikey practise more drumming. It is not at all in unison. "The dancers are like a group of flamingos after they've been shot," laughs Luke, to the sound of no one else laughing. "I'm going to find this Friday very hard to deal with. I don't want Rebecca to go," whines Luke in the Diary Room. "I am repulsed that there are a people in here who shouldn't be," he says. REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU. REMEMBER WHAT HIS MESSAGE IS TO YOU IN THAT STATEMENT.

Sara is poking Stuart's limp arms. She jokes that Rex saw her pants. They share a house - I wouldn't be surprised. "If your missus is watching this, you'll be in trouble," says Stuart. "I don't know why you plan to destroy me," says Rex. I dunno what she's doing. Rachel thinks Sara is not a genuine housemate. (I actually typed DATA instead of Sara then. Imagine that - a Goonies-themed BB.) She moans that the new housemates are distcracting. I like Rachel (ish), but you know, love,atleast I know the housemates' names. And they've only been there five days.

And they're up. The drums bang (off beat). The dancing starts (off beat). For some reason, all the girls have black curly wigs, bright red lipstick and green eyeshadow all the way to their eyebrows on. HOW IRISH. This is as offensive as the blind task was. OH MY GOD, IS THAT LISA DANCING? I THOUGHT IT WAS MARIO. "Seriously, that wasn't shit," lies Dale. "You stopped, you missed it," Mario says to Lisa. Why doesn't she punch him in the head?

They have failed the task. Big Brother apparently lost count of the number of fails they incurred. So Big Brother wants them to be chickpea angry, then. Rex has, according to Mario, new found confidence. This is because he wnats 5% of the budget on alcohol. Hmm. Confidence? I'm not so sure this is what this symbolises. He also apparently lied to Maysoon about an event he may or may have not attended. He also said he drank three bottles of vodka. I don't know when, or why. "You couldn't do that. You'd be in hospital," puffs Mikey. This is not actually true. I don't know why it matters, either. They think he's a liar, sure, but I don't. I've not really got the whiff of BS off Rex - though I have off Luke and Mario, and Mikey, to a point.

Now there is an argument about wine. "if you can't share it out properly, don't share it," says Rex to Mo. Mo and Mario have been stealing alcohol, it seems, and Mo trade with Darnell. Is Maysoon flirting with Darnell? I read in the papers that she was married. I wonder. Darnell drinks his stolen beer in the toilet - whilst flushing. Now they are playing a game. "What's the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?" asks Dale. "Eyes," says Sara. "Face in general," says Rex. "Gluteus maximus," says Luke. Must be why he likes Bex then. I like big butts... Bex says Darnell is boring. He doesn't care. And neither do I! Mario is in the Diary Room. "To be nominated is no surprise." Hmm. You can tell he's hurting. "If Bex stays, I'll be gone soon, dude," says Darnell to Mo. "I honestly think it's because we're so alike... Who's showing their t8tties all the time? And who's shown his d8ck?" What? I've never seen it, and I watch live streaming! Curiouser and curiouser. Darnell has gone crazy, doing a weird dance and yelling "B Block is stroooong." Over all this, Mario is still in the Diary Room...again, comparing Lisa to some Christ-like figure whilst bitching about her. Bex is chasing Luke with some flour. Um, yeah. "Look at the airtime she gets... She uses him for airtime 'cos he takes it. It's not so funny anymore."

Yeah, I love Darnell.

Some of the housemates are moving to 'B Block' (ie the camp bed bedroom) because of Belinda's snoring. Mario seems to think it'd be hirarious if Mikey asks to move in too. Hmm. What wit. Mario nominates Darnell, because he has three baths a day. Frankly, I think this sort of behaviour should be praised. Mario also renominates Rex, because he apparently told Belinda to get out of the kitchen. It's all so whispery, yet again. To give us some sense of time, we hear Luke and Lisa going on about how long Mario is taking to nominate. I don't care. It'll all be management speak I don't get, anyway. I'm glad his nominations have been edited. Speaking of which, we are not treated to hearing all nominations, but Luke has popped up once or twice, so at least housemates are starting to get it.

Cut to Mario, stirring about Belinda - THE SAME WOMAN WHOSE HONOUR HE IS PROTECTING IN HIS NOMINATIONS. I don't know why he dislikes Belinda so much. Perhaps he thinks she'll steal his fanclub away - there are some passing similarities, I suppose - but it's not nice to watch. "Someone needs to ask Sara her salary," says Mario, as no one believes she is a PA. Clearly she is - she's the most temping person I've ever seen - but you know. "I say I say, I will," says Luke, in his best Fred Elliott from Corrie impression.

And nominations are over, and Mario and Bex are up. If Mario goes (and I think he has a very good chance), I wonder who will become Facilitator? Luke is a stirrer, but is yet a novice of manipulation (although, saying that, so is Mario, and it seems to be working). I think Darnell or maybe Rex will be the next leaders. although, given Rex's new anecdotes ("my aunt is a florist... Russell Brand goes in there." Yeah, probably to send condolence for your STD flowers.), perhaps not.

Dale, Stuart and Bex think Sara fancies, or at least is trying it with Darnell. I'm not so sure. I think she just  has random fits of giggles and "Raylly? That's amay-zing"-ness, and Darnell just happens to be a frequent recipient. Noe Luke and Mario think Maysoon is the PA, and not a model. Oh, whatever. Why do they care? Does is change anything, really? They think everyone else in there is fake, so I'm not sure it makes much difference. See? Sara is now doing the same thing she is accused of doing to Darnell to Rex, ie going "woo" and "wow" a lot. All fake rah rah rah.

So Belinda sings for Sara and Stuart. It is actually very frightening, and reminds me that when I first saw her I immediately though: Liza Minnelli. Sara then tries it on with Lisa as she does her workout. SEE, EVERYONE? She does is to all. And now it's time for the goth party. I am scared. What the hell is going on? Kat actually looks very pretty. Dale looks ridiculous. Sara makes Mikey feel all her clothing. SEE! Sara is mad. Perhaps it's all devious madness, but she's mad nonetheless.

Later, they get in the footspa pool, but it looks freezing, and I feel a bit sorry for them. (OK, I don't.) Dale and Stuart say "There's no need to get moist" about Sara, because she is so excitable. They wish. Neither do they like Belinda's scatting. I love it. Main reason I tune in.

Mo and Rachel! I have hardly seen them all day. They are talking about Maysoon. Does Mo fancy her? That is som,ehow a bit vile if so. Like mixing playdough and staples. Mario, Mikey and Lisa discuss whether or not Kat is bi. Right-o!Mo now tackles Maysoon. "Did you say you liked me?" he asks, brusquely. She looks embarrassed. Oh dear, shut up. I don't like Maysoon's teeth. She looks a bit crafty. Perhaps she is. I wish Lisa had taken her crystal ball in, and then all the housemates would know whether or not she is. Oh, Mo is still talking. You've just made everything 1000 times more awkward. Well done. "The most attractive thing about Dale," says Darnell, "is your personality." "F-off," says Dale. "I haven't got one." YES.

Belinda creeps into the bedroom as the housemates pretend to sleep. "There's a poltergeist!" says Lisa. No, it's Maysoon. Belinda scares Bex, who is now sleeping in the same bed as Luke. When did this start happening? Rachel and Kathreya are sleeping in the other bedroom. You know what I think? I think the housemates know the luxury bedroom is cursed.

By 1.15, the housemates are safely suffocating in their huge brown paper bags. Lisa looks raring to go in some kind of sports bra and boxing gloves. It works for some people, I guess. Dale and Darnell seem to have some trouble. It all gets very competitive, and I am horribly reminded of Dale karate chopping a block of softened ice cream to 80s training montage music. Ugh. The girls seem to be finding it easier than everyone else. This says much to me. Mikey can't figure it out. Darnell shouts furiously. Bex screams and Lisa seems irate. Mario can't even get in the bag, but eventually Maysoon's team win. Whilst waiting for the results, Sara kisses Mikey. It's all a bit patronising and horrid. Maysoon and teammates are promised a special award. HOORAY.

Later, the housemates run in the dingy paddling pool. Bex's boobs fall out, of course. Mikey is in the Diary Room, being reprimanded for saying he will nominate Belinda for her snoring. I am snoring, at this point. Good, put Mikey in jail. I don't care. He contributes so little to the house, apart from "diversity", he may as well not be there. (Well, OK, he did make that guide dog joke which I am storing for later, but still.) The housemates all want to know what he's done, of course, and he won't say. I think this because he knows what he's done. In threatening to nominate Belinda, he did break a rule. Luke thinks not, but we all know not to care what Luke thinks.

And now, what is this? Can it be Stuart crying? No? Wiping his eyes on his cravat? Looking at a picture of someone - his daughter? I see, I see. It's alright, Stu. You're not up for eviction this week. Lisa and Mario take another bath. Lisa looks frustrated. Dale thinks the house is lighter, presumably since Jen has gone. Good. Mikey tells Belinda what he said about her snoring. BUT...WHAT WAS THAT? As they were talking, the housemates hear people shouting over the wall. Oh, I couldn't hear what was said! I think it was Bex or Dale being decried. Oh dear. The housemates are fascinated, of course, but the truth is no one actually heard anything to repeat. Bex knows her time is up, however, because she thinks it was her name being called. Belinda admits she heard a "ch". Ugh. I'm not sure anyone heard anything. The discussion goes on. Stuart seems irate. Belinda cries. She has the cry of a small child. It is piteous.

The winning housemates are rewarded with a party in the Diary Room. Roni Size is piped in, as they mill around. I don't know why, either. Bex smothers Luke in fake tan. This reminds me of the baby swapping and fake tan in Footballers' Wives. (That should be Footballer$' Wives, to be grammatically correct.) "Your boxers look like a lampshade," guffaws Stu as Luke strips to be coated.

Rex has a bath. What? Why isn't Darnell in there? Ah, he's dancing with Kat, singing in creepy Michael Jackson mode again. Sara seems to love it. Dale is asleep in the bedroom, and you know what that means? ANTICS! Bex draws cat whiskers on him. "People think I'm annoying and stuff," she correctly surmises. Idle chat about the name calling continues. I can understand the paranoia, I really can. but seriously, have some self-awareness, then you'd be able to work out who it was being addressed. Dale wakes up. He sees the whiskers. He is angry. It is an affront to his testosterone levels. he struts on in his leather jacket with a snarl. Please punch Bex in the head! No? Oh right. So Rex smudges a painting, and... But when Bex draws on your face, then...

Rex asks Sara what her type is. She is being a bit mad. I think I like her, but as I always say, I shall wait and see. She has slightly mad goggle eyes. Like she's been up all night hunting for fish. Stuart is crying in the Diary Room about what he didn't hear over the wall. OMG. What a tool. "Why am I coming across like that?" he weeps. It's the self-awareness problem again. "My hair looks like I've been ran over by a lawnmower." I wish. Sara is laughing feverishly because Rex gets his hair cut every two weeks. This is not that amazing. Yes, I think she is mad. Maysoon doesn't ever seem to properly laugh, like Jerry's date in Sienfeld. She is a bit of a fembot. Maybe that's why she was in the Lynx commercial, rofl etc. In the bathroom, Kat admits that even she is paranoid. She likes Belinda, though. Dale and Darnell put cushions over their heads and pretend to be Big Brother. It is very weird, and for one hopeful second, I think I am asleep. But I am not.

Sara and Maysoon both smoke, and discuss being single and in their late twenties. What a bond they must have. Sara thinks Rex's girlfriend is lucky. She may be right. Sara is to Angelina Jolie what Jen was to Cheryl Cole. She is much more like Dannii Minogue, as Mo notices, and Dannii looks like Kylie, who looks a touch like Nicole Kidman, who looks a smidgen like Naomi Watts. It's an Australian thing, apparently. (Or some kind of weird celebrity inbreeding program. I wouldn't be surprised.) Later, Maysoon mentions she thinks Sara looks like Nicole Kidman, which proves my point. Stuart made Sara's bed, and gets her a glass of water. How effing fabulous. Mo is past looking for a girlfriend. This makes me rather sad, and it is surprising. Darnell wants a daughter. I can imagine she would be well cool. What is all this relationship chat? Mario tells Belinda that Lisa is his "happily ever after". That maybe true, if the story began: there was a transsexual but horribly vaguely attractive female body builder, who..." Also, Mario has worked as Robbie Coltrane's body double. This is amazing news. But Belinda then raps, and the  limelight is stolen. Mario is crying inside.

The housemates then clean in overalls to frighteningly loud music. Luke mentions that he is repulsed that Rex didn't leave, whilst having a cleaning break. I must make clear to you that when Luke says this - as he has done, often, since Friday night - he is saying that YOU, the public, the Big Brother watchers, are idiots. Please remember this when he is up for eviction. Last night, also, Mario admits he made Rex burn the pizzas he made by putting the oven to high. What a way to pay him back... Again, I mist remind you that he is implictly saying that you, the viewer - who has seen everything, when the housemates have not, and have formed rational judgements, when the housemates have not - have made the wrong choice. REMEMBER THIS. MARIO thinks YOU are wrong.

Luke discusses not drinking. Belinda discusses theorist Bell Hooks (or rather, bell hooks), because Belinda wears black and white. It's a statement. Yah. Joe Strummer called her a penguin. I like Belinda so far, but there is much obvious potential for her to offend. We shall see. I have been burnt this way before. The housemates play a weird dancing game which I don't get. Luke and Bex are disgusted that the housemates seem to be happy. Mo has not got any chance with Sara or Maysoon, apparently, because they are in their late twenties and he is 24. I'm not sure of the logic of this, but suspect it's a Coventry thing. But Lisa and Mario have taken a shine to Belinda. This is interesting, and could work in one of two ways. Look what happened to Mikey. People seem to be united in disliking Bex, who I think has resisted wearing a bra all day so far. OFCOM should be told.

Later, however, Lisa mentions to Luke she is not sure whether Belinda is real or not. She clearly is, but this year's housemates have a problem with reality (just like they think Kat is a fake). I'm assuming none of the new housemates can be nominated this week, or they'd be in trouble. Lisa then discusses out-of-body experiences, which Rachel has never heard of (I'm sure that later, Lisa and Mario will discuss this and use it as further proof that she, too, is fake - how can anyone have not heard of OBEs, etc etc).

Later, the housemates play more schoolish party games. Dale and Stuart discuss Rex. Danell says he is annoying, more than anything else. Rex will almost definitely be up for eviction this week. Outside, the games continue. Kat looks anxious as the housemates attempt to pick her up with their palms held above her. NOTHING HAPPENS. Lisa felt the energy, but the again Mario might have just "trumped" again. Rex tries not to laugh as they try again. Kat is too heavy for them to lift by their fingertips. What a shock. I don't think Kat ever wanted it to work, however - she looks relived when they move away.

In the final segment, Darnell speaks about how he felt left out in the first week. This makes me sad again. Darnell has been a dark horse. The last week, I felt more certain that he could be one of the final three than ever before. But this year, who knows. Apparently, Belinda has stirred up something bu mentioning who she thinks might win. I thought you were allowed to have some sort of conjecture about this when a housemate, but according to Luke, Bex and Mario, this should not be so. Lisa seems to find her funny though, so she may be saved. But her snoring is so bad! Seriously, it is! The night ends with Luke and Bex discussing their hatred of Rex. I am so bored of them. However, if Bex is up this week, I think she'll go. Mo, Maysoon, Sara and Rex sit in the ashtray and counter-bitch. Ah. HAPPY HOUSE.

LISA     It'll be sad for you if no more women come into the house.

Kat laughs uproariously. Cut to: A Pretty Man, Stuart, in a room on his own, talking to a disembodied voice. 

STUART     They all say they want to go: they don't want to go. I've become obsessed with becoming really good friends with someone. I'll be everyone's third best friend. I'll be the associate, not the friend. 

He's remarkably self aware. The viewer becomes aware that they have barely heard a peep from him in days. They didn't miss him. Cut to: A Kitchen. The transexual cooks sausages, representing penii, and eggs, representing her wish for ova. Cut to: The Garden. Luke, a reedy old lady with skin made taut from botox chats to Mario, who has a head like a box and wears a comedy apron with no sense of comedy. 

MARIO      We have lots of servicemen in the post office. They like the regime. I did that for 22 years, but I was a senior man.

LUKE     What happened?

MARIO      I can't really discuss it. I have 10,000 friends in London. 

He suggests that something occured, and seems sad. 

MARIO      I thoroughly enjoyed it. I used to live around South West 1. 

LUKE      And now you're a Z-lister, with a girlfriend dressed as a pink flamingo. 

Mario's heart collapses. He sighs. Cut to: The Bedroom. Rachel, a tiny Welsh thing who blends into walls eats grapes next to Bex, who is hideous. 

RACHEL      I could eat the most grapes in the whole world. I'm addicted to them, and they don't affect my poo. The doctor says it won't affect my health.

She leaves the room, taking her grapes with her.

BEX      Liar.

Cut to: The other bedroom. This is a modified prison cell/changing room. Darnell chats to Kat, Mo Mohammed - a Muslim with an afro who eats a lot - and Rex, a posh chef with ginger hair and bling. 

DARNELL      Mikey is played off between groups. We pat him on the ass to make sure he knows we're there. He pissed off people by saying the opinions of others.

Darnell is a Yoda figure, sensible and wise. Cut to: The other bedroom, where Jennifer, a plain girl who people think is stunning because they are insane, packs her bags. She is leaving the house later today. Nobody says a word. Her eyes are black from the tears. 

Cut to: Later in the day. The housemates assemble on sofas and pretend to be asleep. It is the pinnacle of Western comedy. A voice of a woman from a hairdye advert talks to them, and tells Jennifer that she has to leave. Everybody looks like they have been collectively raped and then declared pregnant. Stuart, the metrosexual, is wearing a leopard rope-scarf-tie. It's depressing. He hugs Jennifer and then runs to the back of the queue to hug her again. 

LUKE     Vindicated by the public, Rex.

BEX      All you have to do is be horrible this week.

LUKE     Shouldn't be hard. 

Cut to: The front door. an Australian woman with big lips decends some stairs. This is Sara. She opens the door to the house and gets assaulted by Bex and her horrifying norks (which were actually based on the twins from The Shining, incidentally).  Mo Mohammed advances, and, where everyone else shook hands, goes to kiss Sara.

SARA      Oh! A Kiss!

LISA       She's Australian! Are you Australian?

SARA      Yeah. 

LIsa is sharp as a tack. Another woman enters. She is from an advert, and is a model. This is Maysoon. She is assaulted as well.  Big Brother should step in and stop this. She looks sad that this is what her career has come to. She is 28, and cannot breach the successful barrier, and she's getting old. 

MIKEY     We're waiting for the third blonde triplet!

Nobody tells him that the woman are all brunette. The sadness is crippling. Belinda, a short round lady who works in theatre comes in. 

BELINDA     You're a cross between Stallone and Joey!

MARIO      The only difference is $50 million. 

His heart breaks again. Mo Mohammed sizes up Belinda, who is a bit fat.

MO        Hide the food. 

Nobody laughs, because he eats more than anyone else anyway. Belinda greets the men, and refers to Stuart, Rex and Dale as gorgeous, finds nothing nice to say about Darnell and Mo, so just starts to talk in generalitites. 

STUART       What's your name?

BELINDA       Belinda Belinda Belinda.

STUART       Oh! My Mum's called Melinda. A connection!

Stuart is a simple soul, and some drool rolls down the side of his chin, dragging his makeup away like an elaborate CGI teardrop. We run an advert, saying that BBLB has changed timeslot. People weren't watching it. Not because of the time however, unless that time was Zezi o'clock. Sorry, Zezi.

Cut to: Mo Mohammed and Rex in the giant ashtray. Mo is a void of personality, and he threatens to suck the whole house down. Cut to: The Kitchen.

LUKE      Belinda is a nutter.

STUART      I've seen her before.

LUKE      She's a theatre director. She wants a happy house and wants to play games. Any of the new ones catch you eye? That Sara's not bad. 

Luke grabs a knife and drives it into the centre of his dark, hard soul, and finds it leaves with no blood, and doesn't make him cry. Is he even human? Cut to: The bedroom jail. Dale sits and cries alone for the cameras clutching something that we have to assume belonged to Jen, or possibly his girlfriend. Cut to: Mo and Maysoon in the ashtray. Told you. Cut back to the bedroom jail, and Belinda tries a bed, saying that she'll share a bedroom with the men. 

DARNELL     I like to sing.

BELINDA      Ya ya ya ya ya. 

DARNELL     I have to catch a vibe.

BELINDA      I'll make something up. (SINGS) Sisters, brothers, people who cares, Big Brother, we really was, oh fuck, you know.

She sings a terrible, tuneless and formless songs that devolves into throat singing, like the inuits. Kat laughs and laughs and dances.

KAT      Hirarious!

She is like a wobbling weeble. Cut to: The Kitchen. Rex tells Sara about owning three restaurants. 

REX     I'm better than Jamie Oliver. I know everyone in every club. We drink for free. I started young.

SARA     Shit. Fill me up. 

She grabs a glass. Mo Mohammed's eyes bleed with pleasure, sending blood racing to his loins and inflaming them. 

BELINDA    Say people's names three times to remember them.

KAT     I remember Bex one time.

BELINDA     She's effervescent.

Bex evaporates. Cut to: The Ashtray. Rex is changing opinion about his girlfriend because he thinks that Sara is interested. He is on heat, like a dog. Sara seems nice, but flirts like a maddo. They all know Luke is a stirrer. It's interesting. Cut to: The Bedroom Jail.

MO      I'm not getting the attention I'm seeking. 

REX      What?

MO      One of these girls reminds me of my ex. 

Ever notice how, in life, if you want to tell a girl you fancy her you say that they remind you of your ex? Mo is rubbish. He stares at the audience and address them directly, breaking the fourth wall.

MO      I'm so alone. So very, very alone.

Cut to: The Pool. Nothing happens. Cut to: The Bedroom. Sara and Dale chat.

SARA     You look young.

DALE      Fuck you. I miss my girlfriend, and Jennifer. And amyl. And roofies. 

Cut to: The Bathroom. Mario and Dale stand around. Luke seems to oddly hold his penis. Mario has a washbag. Cut to: The Kitchen. 

REX      Do you like spicy food?

MAYSOON     No.

REX     You will. I'm an expert painter.

Cut to: The Pool. The men stand around and bob in the water.

MO    I would do Sara.

The men nod and wish him luck. They know he hasn't got a chance in hell. Mo looks at the audience and cries. Cut to: The kitchen. Lisa sings a song about cookies that sounds nothing like anything that Kat has ever sung. She pokes her fingers together like she's two ETs in one body. Cut to: Belinda in the diary room. She says a string of words beginning with B and just starts stuttering like a machine gun on a crazy, theatrical, overly hormonal aeroplane. She's Courtney Love gone theatre and drug-free. She does Jazz hands.

BELINDA     We all need magic, joy. Sensible joy. Not AAAARGH! Belinda Belinda Belinda. BBBBBBBBBB. I am a voice for the voiceless. 

She kisses the camera. Cut to: The pool. Kat paddles and hugs an inflatable crocodile. 

KAT     I happy.

Cut to: The Kitchen. 

RACHEL      I'm from Wales.

SARA      Like Charlotte Church?

RACHEL      Yes. 

Cut to: The Diary Room. Luke witters. His words mean nothing. He plunges his hand into his chest and draws it out, clutching his heart, only he finds nothing but sawdust and chaff. He weeps into it, but his tears are dry, and burn his face. 

LUKE     The game begins now.

Luke sits there and wonders how long he has been dead inside for. The music starts, and the night is done. Thank God for that.

FIN

If they are anything like Stuart, I suggest a Big Brother boycott.

Over and out.

On the other hand chimpanzees, who are far smarter because they run removal firms and make each other tea, go for the alternative method. This is to show-off and preen, to ponce about in front of each other. They rarely come to blows. Instead they sit around and watch each other poncing about, either with a quiet impressed demeanour, or by laughing their cute monkey faces off. They also clap. If one gets a bit narky. They piss themselves laughing, more often than not forcing the aggressive one to back off with the humiliation. The females operate essentially the same kind of system. Chimps are pretty cool like that.

This is the more advanced, more socially constructive method of sorting out group dynamics found amongst primates. Humans, favour a mixture of the two, the more intelligent generally favouring the latter, the less gifted, the former.

I always think it's important to know which side you're on. I am definitely a chimp for instance.  Joey ' drunken random acts of violence loving get used to a lengthy stay at her Her Madge's pleasure' Barton, the soccerball operative, is a baboon. A really stupid baboon.  Primate species who are aggressive amongst themselves tend to be facing greater pressures on their numbers. They are more likely to kill one another than the peacable ponces. I'm sure there's a lesson there for humanity.

Some people like to mix up the two, but ultimately, if you stoop to baboon, you are a baboon, even if you try to ponce like a chimp inbetween times.  It's not fooling anyone. Choose chimp. It's the nobler path.

I was thinking of this whilst watching the developing love triangle between Jen, Stuart and Dale in the Big Brother house. Stuart is undoubtedly a chimp. He preens, he ponces, he entertains Jen with talk of  'true love' and 'the one'. He is clearly someone who has zero problem talking to the opposite sex, likes their company, has little need to be one of the boys. Which is a good job, because pretty much they all hate him. Apart from the gay one but he got expelled for gobbing.

Dale on the other hand, entered the house talking about his irresistibility to women, how they all loved him, how in his presence they became quivering messes unable to control their most animal instincts. He was by far the most attractive young man in there. Until Stuart walked through the door. Then there was competition.

He didn't like this, and has become racked with jealousy over Jen's growing friendship with the lusciously lashed Stuart. I personally don't see the attraction of  Jen to be honest. She looks like Cheryl Cole who is my least favourite member of Girls Aloud. She's got some opinions which put her in the 'common sense' box. This is not a good thing. Common sense is what stupid people cite when they want to assert that their usually reactionary ideas are beyond argument. Like the fact the world is flat, and that the sun travels around the earth.

IT'S COMMON SENSE ISN'T IT !!!

All this round planet in a solar system orbiting the big hot star  is just planetary correctness gone mad if you ask me. Put Richard Littlejohn in charge and we'd soon be hurtling off the edge of the earth into the black abyss of space when we flew transatlantic before you could say Cock Robinson.

Leaving such issues aside, I think it would be difficult to ever find someone with a Daily Mail worldview attractive. They could resemble god's greatest, most perfect ever creature with a smile that melted ice caps, and caused stirrings under the robes of the Dalai Lama, but one chuntering mention of illegal immigrants and they may as well be the elephant man.

I'm unsure how this is going to work itself out. Dale appears to be getting increasingly narky and put out. He's not quite as orally advanced as smooth tongued Stuart it's fair to say. He's feeling somewhat frustrated at his inability to talk a language that Jen understands. It's quite possible that this tension will erupt into baboon like behaviour. Or will he do what he should do and choose the path of the chimp  and ponce about in turn ? If I was him I'd just think 'aaah whatever' , leave them to it and go do something more interesting instead. Like read a book for instance. But they're not allowed any are they ! Bugger...

My other half is enamoured by Stuart. Particularly his eyelashes, which may or may not be aided by mascara. Either way, Rach keeps saying things 'gosh he's pretty', 'what lovely looking young man', 'he's pleasant with it isn't he ?'

We're way past the years of being insanely jealous of the other finding people attractive. As my late grandad Williamson used to say 'there's nothing wrong with admiring god's beauty, just as long as you don't handle the fruit.'  In fact, as people with an aesthetic sense living within a beautiful world are we not compelled to do so ? I would say yes, yes we are.

So nowadays we tell each other who we find attractive, and then the other gives their own opinion. Runs the ruler over the person in question. In other words we chimp-out. When Stuart was talking to Jen about his aching for true love, for finding his soul-mate, I wanted to clap. I too used those lines back in the day.

And look where it got me ? Happily hitched to Ms Rachey B, the saviour of the known and as yet undiscovered universe living a life of literary bohemianism in the Barcelona of The North. Can't be bad.

Now to bourgeois property news for all us middle-class home owners. As we are all aware I'm sure, house prices are in freefall. They're like those people who throw themselves off Worthing Pier flapping their arms and expecting to fly. It's not good if you borrowed to the hilt over the past few years, as you are probably now slipping into negative equity. This is not good and must be an absolute mare.

But I do think a 'readjustment' is socially very necessary. We've all been in a spending credit bubble over the past decade, living far beyond our means, not saving much, putting all our faith in spiralling house prices. Anyone with an arm could see that prices were totally artificial. It got to the stage in York where only people in the top 20% of the income scale could afford to buy even a modest place without an almighty deposit. Loads of born and bred Yorkies moved out.

So if prices do fall by a quarter or a third, I think in the long term this is a socially necessary thing. Houses are places to live, to raise familes if that's your bag, put down roots, build community, to be happy. Not something with which to have a financial gamble.

And in case you've a vested interest here's the price changes in York in the last quarter :

Prices of detached houses fell by 7.2%, Semi-detached by 2.1% and terraced by 1.2%

And the bad news is if you bought a swish apartment last year at top whack, the value of it in the last three months has fallen by over 8%.  There's far too many of them.

Terraced houses seem to be crash proof to a degree which I think just goes to show their enduring popularity. Most of them are fairly central, they've got a bit of character, they promote diverse occupation, and you can fit a lot of them in. If only those developers who threw up flats on every piece of wasteground over the past few years had given that a bit of thought ?

Ta-ra x

Kat has cheered up, and sings 'Cookie Love' with Darnell. Darnell sounds eeriely like Michael Jackson, and it sends chills up my spine. Dale hated being in Big Brother last night. We hate him being in it whenever, so it's all good. Rebecca lets Luke stir in the bathroom. Rebecca then has a bath, and tells Dale Jen isn't interested in him. I think she might be trying it on, but her cleavage looks like a depuffed apple turnover so I don't think that will happen. Most housemates seem to suspect that a new housemate will be joining them shortly. We've had no info yet at Big Brother Towers, but I think it's pretty likely. I also read this series was scheduled to end at the beginning of September. What? I'll surely have eaten my toes by then. Rebecca and Jen want a girl to come in, to chat about make up and clothes, but we all know that's rubbish - they just want someone to be mean about. Luke reiterates what we've already heard - that the housemates think a new housemate is due. SCHUT UPPPPPPPPPPP! We HEAAAAAAAAARD! Why is he trying to stir even with the viewers? Luke is so tiresome. He witters about Jen looking like Snow White. Perhaps Snow White when she's dead - I've seen Jen with no make up. He hints he fancies Jen. Oh, do one.

The housemates are awaiting their Sunday task, which is why so much idle chat is going on. (What do you mean, you hadn't noticed any difference?) Mario is not really being a wally today. He mentions, tactfully, that the painting argument could have been avoided. REALLY? But it's a fair point. So the task today is for half the housemates to pretend to be blind, led by Mikey, so it's THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND, presumably. Is this tasteless? I just don't know anymore. Rex is paired with Jen. Hmm. Lisa whoops and has weird teeth - like a small cat's. I am distracted. Oh, so the housemates wear blindness goggles. Jen looks miffed. Do I care? At least she can't see Lisa bending down. Ugh. Jen asks how Mikey can cook. Oh, this is mildly offensive. This is the stupid leading the stupid. If I were Rex, I'd lead Jen into the oven and shut it. A plucked vole like her would cook in 10 minutes at 300 degrees. Darnell spins Luke around. Again, I would have better ideas. This is so dull. I actually saw most of this in 'live' streaming (yes, all in the name of research) and I nearly passed out with boredom then. Mario states this is an exercise in empathy. OK, yes, it is. But seriously. Dale asks Mikey questions about being blind. "Can you see when you dream?... I did this in Psychology." Is he fooking serious? Dale is a tool. I don't think he'll be nominated tomorrow though, which is a shame. Darnell comes to the Diary Room and says he is jealous of other housemates' relationships. Aw. I love Darnell. At first, I was unsure, but he seems intelligent, and oddly, quite kind, behind a rather brusque and tactless exterior. He thinks Jen is a twit, also, which appeals to me greatly. "If she leaves, she'll be doing herself a favour," he muses.

The housemates swap blindness roles. Darnell sings with his cane. He sounds like a big fat madam now. Madness. Lisa and Mario try to hold blind hands. "I want to sit on your knee." "You can sit on something," he replies, the (sickly) saucepot. No, not blind fondling! And why is Lisa wearing skin coloured tights? "I can smell ye," says Lisa. "I've trumped," Mario replies. Again, he is probably trying to be suggestive. Then the housemates try to eat what looks like a Sunday lunch. Lisa is eating with her hands. THAT'S EMPATHY. "I feel like I'm being suppressed," says Lisa. No, that's just your tights, love. The task ends. "[The task] opened their eyes," says Mikey. Ho ho.

Some housemates go to bed. Bex and Jen moan in the bathroom. It feels like nothing has been achieved today. Other housemates play in the main room with a hoop. "Why are they excited about that?" whines Jen. Probably the same reason you deemed it necessary to cry for hours over a s8dding painting. Bex is Hedonismbot, except not, because he has some wit. She does look like him though, lolling on that sofa as if she is moulded to it.

OH dear god! A nation weeps as Rebecca decides to strip. Well, a nation minus Darnell weeps. Rebecca says it will cheer her up, for, like, five minutes. Mo only cares about her hot water. And so would I. Rex looks a bit ill. But the housemates seem to believe that Big Brother made her do it. Stuart and Jen talk about love. I want to punch them. "All you need is love. John Lennon." Has Stuart actually turned into Mario via David Brent? What is going on? Dale is jealous. I am so sick of this. Please, let's make one of the 'triangle' disappear this week. It's a shame their triangle isn't in Bermuda.

Interview with Harry Markos Bristol Comic Convention

CB: We’re here with Harry Markos of Markosia Entertainment, We’re going to have a little chat about Markosia, what he’s noticed this weekend and any forthcoming events and new titles coming out, Thanks for taking the time out this morning Harry I know that Markosia is busy this morning going through portfolio’s with people. Your stall’s been pretty busy this morning. What have you thought of the con in general this weekend?

Harry: Well it’s a bit busier than last year, Yesterday was incredible and they were locking people out it was so busy.

CB: I didn’t know that, I just thought that it was full again

Harry: They did, twice in fact, something to do with fire regulations and it being too busy in there. And as a side effect we were very busy yesterday which was great, todays a little quieter but still quite busy. We decided to do the portfolio sessions today as it’s a little quieter but we have still had 25 artists come today with portfolios. We’ve already worked through eight

CB: Already this morning?

Harry: Yeah, so I got plenty more to do. Some are also going to be sent in via email, as some of the artists couldn’t make it today. Markosia are always on the lookout for bright young talent, particularly from the UK, we want to encourage that talent as I know there’s a lot out there. We’re still using European and global talent as well but I want to introduce more British talent. We’ve been quite successful recently with the success of Paul Green who this time last year at Bristol, he came along and was introduced to me, his art blew me away. I asked him to do some concept art, which he did and it was amazing. Within a couple of weeks I’d offered him a four issue mini-series on Starship Troopers, which he was absolutely amazing on. He’s now been signed up to do Flash Gordon and is being looked at by everyone.

CB: This is the Flash Gordon that’s being shown at the convention.

Harry: Yeah, Actually I am quite fortunate, I made a bet with him, and I said that within a month of the first Starship Troopers coming out, if he wasn’t signed up by someone else, I would run down my road naked. So it was quite fortunate that in week three, he’d called me to say that he’d been signed up to do Flash Gordon. He’s got an amazing future ahead of him. I’m hoping that we’ll have some big players if the next few months pan out. He’s the kind of talent that I want to meet and I want to publish because there’s a lot of talent out there and I want to introduce them to the world as we feel we have a good platform to be able to do that.

CB: Going off the back of what you are saying there Harry, You’ve got the Big two Dc and Marvel obviously and then just underneath that you’ve got your Image your Dark Horse, which I personally don’t put down myself as I collect a lot of indie titles and Indie titles is where I started and where I will also show a lot of loyalty to. What’s Markosia’s main principle on the marketplace? DC and Marvel are all about the big bang the big buck. Some great writers and some great artists but it is the big product.

Harry: It is, it’s a really tough brutal market out there at the moment. And it’s only really the top five publishers that are actually achieving anything in my opinion. There’s a lot of controversy regarding the comic format itself, is it going to last? Is it going to be replaced? I personally think that it will always be there. Though I do think that it will be in a limited form and probably only those that can afford to do it will be able to do it in the future. As you know it’s not a cheap business. We’ve been going for four years now which is a miracle in itself. We were told by Diamond that 75% of new publishers don’t last five months. So four years is a big achievement for us and particularly for a British publisher as well. There are lots of small one title publishers about and they are doing a great job but unfortunately because of the way the market is at the moment they are not getting the recognition or the exposure that they deserve that they would have got 20-30 years ago when it was a different market. When there were millions of copies being sold around the world. It’s completely changed now, the internet has made a lot of inroads into the way the industry is being presented in the future, which we are going to be a part of, and we’ve got some talent lined up to do that. Mainly as a publisher and we’ve published Starship Troopers and Kong a couple of licensed properties, we moved into novels and when we started no other publisher was doing it. Now everyone seems to be doing it now but when we announced it people thought we were crazy as no one else would contemplate it. But back then we thought it would be big and we’ve been proved right. Where I am very keen to explore is new concepts new property’s new creators as well as established creators who want their own creations to be published, we enter into a partnership with them, where we take the risk on the publishing and marketing side and pitching it out there to the Hollywood’s and the European markets. We’re very well placed with that now and we see that for us that is the way forward. Acquiring these partnerships and new property’s because there’s a need for it, a need for new fresh blood, which is becoming more and more difficult for people to get into and what people don’t realize is that despite the success of Marvel and DC and maybe a couple of others the market is tightening up in terms of creator owned stuff, In terms of artists getting well paid jobs with the publishers, it’s getting harder and harder there’s more and more talent and less and less work paid work that is. And it’s stifling the market a bit, with all the problems with distribution and low sales more and more company’s are being forced out. What people don’t realize is that when the small press guys go and then the indie company’s go the rest of the industry will collapse as well. Most of the big guys at Marvel, DC, Dark Horse etc all started at the bottom of the ladder.

CB: Of course in the indie market.

Harry: Yes, so you take that away and they are going to suffer quite badly as well. I realize that every business has to evolve I think that at the moment we’re going through a transitional period where no one seems to know which way to turn other than internet related. Digital stuff. It’s very unclear where it’s going to go, so we’re determined that we’re going to be around for many years anyway. We’ve got a very good business plan laid out and we know where we are headed. We’ll struggle through it because we need to keep ourselves in the mind of people. Everyone needs the exposure and awareness out there. And when eventually the market sorts itself out with whatever direction it’s chosen we’ll be well placed to take advantage of that. I am very confident that within a year or two we’ll be very well placed.

CB: So going back to last night, The Butcher understands that Markosia was nominated for several awards at the eagles. Is that correct?

Harry: (smiling) I think it was seven yeah, it was originally more than that but it got whittled down to seven.

CB: Not being a fan of any awards as I find them very open to nepotism and I tend to smell a rat, were there any controversies at the awards last night

Harry: Hmmm there may have been, In fact there was yes. In fact the controversy started many weeks ago with some rumors spreading about some potential vote rigging and cheating, which was very unpleasant at the time. We kept well out of that as a company, we refused to have anything to do with that and were not involved. The creators who were involved were given an apology last night which was very good to hear and very big of the person who gave the apology. That was it as far as we were concerned we were actually nominated as far as I was aware. We made it into the top five as best publisher.

CB: Nice achievement.

Harry: Then we were removed, and were replaced by vertigo apparently. Which is quite interesting as DC were one of the five as well, it was interesting to see how that worked. But you know we’re not bothered about things like that, we keep out of it, and we get on with our own business. For us Bristol is a very important show it’s one of our home town shows and it keeps us flying the flag as it were. Which I think we’re doing reasonably well.

CB: It’s certainly a good stand this year, and in such a prime spot.

Harry: Thank you, we try our best, and there’s a good collection of work there to see as well, Over the last four years we’ve built up approximately 25 titles which is quite an achievement. We’re just experimenting with something and we went online and live on Thursday night before Bristol, We put three web comics up. Completely different formats and property’s than we’ve ever published before including a manga web comic which we’re quite excited about. We’ve got a lot of different avenues that we are pursuing.

CB: You’ve mentioned your big titles being Kong and Starship Troopers, here’s your chance to give us the lowdown on your other titles and guys

Harry: Oh most definitely, we’re very excited we’ve got some gorgeous new property’s coming out this year. One is at the printer this week Lazarus Immortal Coils by Joseph Gauthier who is based in SanFrancisco. The Man is amazing  his story coupled with the amazing artworkworks brilliantly he does so much work. It has Lazarus as the good guy and fighting demons. In July we have another completely different direction in a new series called N-Guard by Canadian Creator John Bryans,it's an anthromorporthic all ages adventure that is in four parts that we’re very excited about and it’s just been given a staff pick in Previews which is quite an achievement for us. Also later on this year we have The Magpye, which  I understand that you know a bit about and the boys behind it

CB: Sure do, and have been pimping it well for you.

Harry (laughs) Yep, the Magpye is a much darker tale. Then December time we have a five-issue mini called Serpent Wars. It's set in the 19th Century and is about a young apprentice, He Stows away on a British Lord's ship to prove the existence of sea serpents. We’re really behind this title as we’ve pitched it to Hollywood and they are quite excited about it. Also we signed Mr. Regie Rigby’s Sunset, which Paul green is currently illustrating. And Paul is busy next year with another title Contagion which is written by Chris Jones.

CB: So going back to what you were saying earlier, has anyone taken the Harry seal of approval.

Harry: Yes, there’s been a couple actually. I’ll be holding further talks with them later. The two I met yesterday are both British Lads and some Spanish lads today. So we’ll see how it pans out but I am sure we’ll be seeing them under the Markosia label in the coming months. Our guys seem to do so well and move on to bigger things, we had Ryan Stegman who worked on Midnight Kiss. Now he’s drawing Spider man for Marvel. And that makes us proud to know that we helped those guys on the way. They are like part of the family and we stay close to them. That’s they way I like to work where it’s small contained like a small family unit and I believe that works.

CB: Anything you’d like to say to the fans?

Harry: Thank you very much for your support and we couldn’t do it without you, it’d be great if you continued your support and spread the word that we’re a young ambitious enterprising British company. We want to succeed, we need to succeed. We’re always open to comments if you want to get in touch, get in touch with me personally I will always respond. Markosia couldn’t have done it without you, thank you

CB: The Question from Stu.Art is what is your favorite cheese and why?

Harry: Dutch Edam, I have always loved that cheese, It’s the first cheese I remember as a kid and it’s just stayed with me, gorgeous tasting.

CB: And on that note thank you Harry .